Nikolas: Hey there.
Courtney: Hey. I love these shoes, but they kill my feet, so --
Nikolas: So why do you wear them?
Courtney: Oh, I don't know. Same old story. I see them in my closet all the time, and I always think, "Why don't I wear those? They're really cute." And then I remind myself that they're really uncomfortable, and then I convince myself that they're probably broken in, so I wear them, and then inevitably, two hours later, I regret it.
Nikolas: Yeah, I go through the same process with a certain pair of riding boots that I have. Not, you know, the "They're so cute" part but, you know, thinking that I'll give them one more try and somehow they'll be different -- that part.
Courtney: Yeah.
Nikolas: It's funny how often we do that.
Courtney: We'll hold on to a pair of shoes that'll never really fit, or stay in a situation that's not right because we believed that if we keep trying, somehow it'll work out?
Courtney: We were both pretty emotional the other day up on the roof of the hospital, and we both probably said some things that we shouldn't have. Listen, if it makes you feel any more comfortable, we could maybe ignore the conversation or --
Nikolas: Oh, no, not at all. I mean, I hope that you don't regret what you said to me or, you know, think that I would betray your confidence in any way, because I wouldn’t.
Courtney: No, I -- I guess I just -- I needed to tell someone how I felt about Elizabeth being a surrogate for Jax, and I -- and you were more than just politely sympathetic. I mean, you seemed to really understand what I was going through, and -- you know, I think that I understand what you're going through, too. It's just when you love someone completely and you just can't seem to reach them, it's like this -- this wall goes up and it just keeps getting higher every day.
Nikolas: Damn. Is it that obvious?
Courtney: Well, only to someone who's been there and is terrified of going back.
Nikolas: Well, I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything, but if you have some wisdom that you want to share with me, I would certainly love to hear it.
Courtney: Yeah. I don't know. I just -- I guess I thought that what went wrong between me and Jason was specific to us, you know? I mean, the kind of life he led, the work that he does, what I could and couldn't handle -- you know, when you take all that stuff away, really it was just two people who really loved each other and wanted to make the marriage work.
Nikolas: Mm-hmm.
Courtney: But it just seemed like, you know, every day he would pull further and further away, and then when I tried to talk to him about it, it would turn into a big fight, so I just didn’t.
Nikolas: Right, so you stopped talking about it and starting acting. You know, smiling when you were supposed to and saying you were happy and really trying to make yourself believe it. Right? You know, and being a well-intentioned person himself -- Jason -- I'm sure he tried to. But -- but that sparkle in your eye and that joy on your face disappeared. And in its place was a beautiful but sad smile that says, "I am trying so hard, and I love you so much that I'm going to keep trying." How do I tell my own wife, Courtney, that I don't want to be someone that she has to try to love?
Nikolas: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to --
Courtney: What?
Nikolas: Dump all that on you just now.
Courtney: No, hey, don’t. You were just being honest. Don't apologize. Really, it's not like I'm going to tell anyone what you just said.
Nikolas: Thank you.
Courtney: And if you are about to be embarrassed, you might want to keep in mind that I'm the one who volunteered more than you will ever need to know about my reproductive difficulties.
Nikolas: So it doesn't bother you that I just dumped, like, months of accumulative garbage in your lap just now?
Courtney: Oh, no. I'm glad I was here to listen.
Nikolas: Me, too.
Courtney: Look, not that I'm speaking from personal experience but, you know, a lot of marriages face serious challenges and they survive. I mean, isn't that the point? "For better and for worse," you know? I mean, those vows are there to warn us ahead of time that there are going to be times where we feel like quitting, and then you remember that you promised that --
Nikolas: Yeah.
Courtney: You wouldn’t.
Nikolas: Yeah. I mean, maybe that's -- that's why people who, you know, say their own vows -- it doesn't work, you know, because they get so caught up in the beauty of the moment that they forget to tell each other that the hardest part is still on the way.
Courtney: Yeah. Jason and I wrote our vows.
Nikolas: Yeah, Emily and I did, too.
Courtney: Hey, no, on the other hand, Jason and I went completely traditional, and look how that turned out. Well, you know, I just -- I think -- I think the most important thing in marriage is just to love unselfishly. And sometimes that means that you hold on, and sometimes it means you have to let go.
Nikolas: I just -- I can't let go of Emily. I can’t. I mean, I just -- I believe in the two of us together. I really do. I do!
Courtney: Then tell her!
Nikolas: I did.
Courtney: Okay, well, then tell her something else. Anything. I mean, tell her something honest, even if it's just about the pair of riding boots you have in your closet you don't know whether to throw away or --
Nikolas: Nah.
Courtney: Just make some sort of connection, no matter how small, and go from there.
Nikolas: Good advice.
Courtney: Yeah, it was, wasn't it? You know, it was so good, I think that I am going to take it myself. If you'll excuse me, I am going to go find my husband.
Nikolas: Bye.