Tracy: Could somebody explain to me why the horticultural expert was included in an urgent family meeting?
Edward: You know, I really don't appreciate you treating Heather like hired help.
Alan, Monica, and Tracy: She is hired help!
Monica: If you're not paying her now, you will be.
Justus: Careful, everybody, your fangs are showing.
Heather: I should go.
Edward: No, don't leave because of Tracy.
Ned: What are we doing here, anyway?
Emily: Well, I asked Alice to call you here. I want to discuss Grandmother's will.
Tracy: Of course you do.
Ned: Let her speak, mother.
Emily: Listen, I'm withdrawing from the competition, waiving my rights. I don't know what the legal term for that is, but I don't want any part of the contest to determine who gets Grandmother's estate.
Tracy: Is anybody buying this? Because you certainly don't fool me.
Tracy: Behold our resident saint, mother's heir apparent, in more ways than one.
Emily: Oh, believe what you want, Tracy. I'm withdrawing from the competition.
Ned: Emily, grandmother didn't see it as a contest.
Justus: Emily, she wanted the whole family to have an equal chance at the inheritance.
Monica: Lila was hoping her will would encourage us to treat each other better.
Emily: I understand that grandmother wanted to give us all a chance to change.
Alan: You don't need to change, sweetie. You're perfect just as you are.
Tracy: Ugh! Please, that's what she's counting on. This conspicuous display of virtue will give her the lion's share of the fortune.
Emily: Oh, I have my trust fund, Tracy. I don't need any more money.
Tracy: I applaud you, Emily. You're not even a Quartermaine by blood, and yet you have mastered the art of the blatant lie. The rest of us have had years --
Justus: Oh, keep it up, Tracy; you'll be out of this competition with your next sentence.
Ned: Oh, it's only a matter of time. Does anyone seriously think my mother is going to win a competition based on virtue?
Tracy: Mother wanted every one of us to have a chance.
Monica: Face it, Tracy. Lila knew as well as all of us you couldn't win this. It was her way of cutting you out of the will by not drawing attention to the fact that you're nothing but a greedy snob who doesn't deserve one dime!
Tracy: Thank you, and maybe my mother wanted you out of the will and you out of the will and --
Alan: Oh, give it a rest! You know that Emily's the only one who deserves the money.
Heather: Stop. Can't you see how much you're hurting this poor man?
Heather: Your father needs understanding and support, not all this bickering. You're like a pack of wolves.
Ned: Fighting is what the Quartermaines do best.
Alan: And father is the leader of the pack.
Justus: He did set the standard for combative behavior.
Emily: Listen, Heather's just trying to help.
Monica: Heather and the Quartermaines go back a long way, Em.
Alan: Yeah, she has a history of extorting money from us. She had temporary custody of Jason when he was an infant, and she tried to steal his trust fund.
Heather: I've made many mistakes in the past, and I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone, but I changed.
Tracy: Yes, you are much more open to negotiation than you were, I'll give you that.
Ned: What do you mean?
Tracy: Oh, well, Heather and I almost came to terms last night when I offered to buy her out. She was so willing to forget about mother's rose garden and her sudden interest in daddy and leave town.
Monica: What stopped her?
Tracy: My bid was too low.
Edward: That's enough, Tracy.
Tracy: No, daddy, it's not enough, and it won't be enough till she's gone for good.
Heather: I'll go now.
Edward: No. No, you are my guest.
Heather: You shouldn't be around all this fighting when you're in so much pain over your wife. Goodbye, Edward.
Alan: Good riddance!
Edward: I'm going after her.
Justus: Edward, wait. As much as I hate to agree with Tracy, you are vulnerable right now.
Edward: You know, I think I'm quite capable of recognizing who has my best interests at heart and who doesn't.
Tracy: I'm trying to protect you, you old goat.
Edward: You know, the only thing you're protecting, Tracy, is your bank account, and the way you're treating Heather, you're going to be eliminated from the competition. Your mother hated spite, and so do I.
Emily: I just want to resign as a contender for grandmother's estate.
Justus: No, no, no, Emily. Lila made it very clear. The only way to be eliminated was to be excluded by the judge.
Alan: And we don't know who the judge is.
Monica: And you deserve it. It's supposed to go to the most virtuous, and, obviously, that's you.
Ned: Well, if you really want to withdraw, you can always just start behaving like the rest of the family. Every single one of us has behaved badly at one time or another.
Justus: Hey, you speak for yourself.
Ned: See? Even Justus has embraced the spirit of the competition.
Emily: Listen, I don't care about the money. If I'm awarded grandmother's estate, I'll just divide it equally among the whole family.
Alan: Everyone?
Emily: Yeah, every generation from grandfather to little Kristina. I'll even track down A.J.
Justus: You know what? Lila would love that idea.
Monica: Well, now that that's settled, I'd like to get some air. Want to go for a walk?
Alan: Oh, sounds good.
Justus: A walk? Since when did Monica and Alan have an interest in nature?
Monica: No. No, no. No.
Alan: Monica, we've been getting on so well. What's the matter with you?
Monica: Yes, and it's been wonderful, but there is something a little more important than sex.
Ned: I'd like to buy out L&B's principal investor and fund the company myself. And with grandmother's money, I can turn this into a major record label.
Emily: Ned --
Ned: Emily, look, I respect the fact that you want to divide the money equally, if you win. But on the off chance that you don't win, I need someone on my side. So, Justus, what do you say? I'm willing to share the prize in return for some cooperation.
Justus: Count me out.
Ned: What, too virtuous?
Justus: Too cautious. Lila clearly wanted this to be a fair competition. Rigging this thing could easily get me eliminated. Good luck.
Ned: So are you disappointed in me?
Emily: Listen, I understand why you want to win.
Ned: I never claimed to be a saint, but I think I come closer to virtue than my grandfather and my mother -- or Alan and Monica, for that matter.
Emily: This is the exact opposite of what grandmother would've wanted.
Ned: How was your walk?
Monica: Productive.
Alan: We decided. We're going to knock Tracy out of the competition first.
Monica: And you are in the best position to do that by pretending to be on her side.
Emily: Mom, do you hear yourself?
Alan: What's wrong, Alice?
Alice: This just came in the mail, and it has no return address.
Ned: Did you see the messenger?
Alice: No, no, it just came through the mail slot.
Emily: That's Grandmother's personal stationery.
Alan: "To the loved ones of Lila Quartermaine."
Ned: Must be some kind of prank.
Emily: Isn't there supposed to be a judge, someone watching us all the time?
Monica: We should open it.
Emily: You don't think we should wait until everybody gets back?
Alan: No, we waited long enough. Get me a letter opener.
Alan: "Lila hoped her plan would bring out the best in her family. And though she loved her son with all her heart, this dollar is all Alan will receive."
Ned: -- Is that it?
Alan: Yeah, you're right. It's got to be some kind of a prank.
Monica: "Alan has been disqualified for conspiring to manipulate the outcome of the contest by tricking other family members into being less than virtuous."
Alice: Dr. Q!
Alan: Wait a minute! Why am I out of it? She conspired with me! You should be out of it, too!
Heather: My room is upstairs.
Edward: May I, again, apologize for the family?
Heather: Apology accepted. Thanks for looking out for me.
Tracy: Gotcha.
Edward: What the -- what the hell are you do--
Tracy: That kiss just wrote you out of mother's will.